brockstewart

At the moment, I am starting to get swallowed up by a downhearted mood. In thinking about my dissertation, I feel it is actually one of the worst things I've ever written and that, even though the ideas are there, it is just poorly constructed. I hear they call this post-dissertation depression, and I'm not sure how to really deal with this. Every time I look back at the dissertation, all I see are mistakes and places I could have gone further, rather than something of which I am proud. In fact, I'm starting to feel like they should have waited and conferred my degree till much later. I know, sounds pretty depressing, but I am just starting to feel like I just didn't do that great of a job on the dissertation and unworthy of the degree.

This also makes me wonder if I even have a realistic idea of the process still, or if I am trying to make it be more than what it actually is. There is another way to look at the dissertation, actually, which is what I have not considering so far. It is a blueprint, if you will, or a rough draft for the academic monograph (e.g., book). Moreover, I must remember the dissertation is not meant to be read by the entire world, but mainly by four people on the committee who had a particular set of expectations that I, according to them, met. In short, the dissertation is not the end-all be-all that I want to make it out to be. Instead, it is more of a tool, a resource to guide me toward future projects. It is a learning opportunity, nothing more and nothing less, for strengthening my future work.

In some ways, I see it like the first films I made in film school years ago. They aren't perfect in terms of aesthetics or story, but they had the potential to be more, which is what I had to meet. Moreover, I'm still very much young in the game, and so I still have a lot to learn about what comes next (e.g., creating an academic book, planning and teaching courses, publishing journal articles, and becoming a colleague). The dissertation, thus, is not meant to be perfect, and if I try to keep judging it in that mindset, then it won't create anything but unnecessary pain. Maybe I just need to chill and let it go a little bit, recognize it as an early product of my thinking, and that it is one exercise in developing my academic voice.

I'm starting to feel a little better already, now having written this entry. I think this will be an ongoing process, telling myself that it is over and done. I have to remind myself that I have met the expectations of the committee, which is what the dissertation was meant to do, and now the next stage is a time to reinvent and refine the work in my own voice in the new phase of the research. I also have to remember that I also wrote the dissertation under some major constraints, such as having most of my committee out of town when I was nearing the finish line and applying for jobs/postdocs. Thus, given the fact that I didn't have as much support as I would have wanted ideally, I was still able to attain the goals I had for myself. So is the dissertation perfect? Not in the least. Can I do anything to change it? Nope, it's already filed and already out there for people to see. So what can I do right now? Move on, accept it, and just let it go.

Besides, I have a barbecue to go to with Alejandro today, and there's no need to get stuck in the past. I will always see the dissertation with a different pair of eyes than other people, and so I will always judge it harsher because I have more information about it than anyone else. Thus, I will continue to let it go, move on, and focus on the next phase in my life.

Today's motto: let the past stay in the past, and embrace the Now.

Well, I finished the last chapter, which I will submit to the committee in about two days. This is actually the shortest it has taken me to do a chapter, but I had written about half of it months ago anyway. So it was sort of classified as an interrupted, or a resumed, project. It feels weird, but in this way, I can tell that the dissertation is primarily done, except for the corrections I will have to make, no doubt, and slight revisions. I still can't believe it is done, for the most part, but all things must come to an end eventually so I can have new beginnings, like my postdoc fellowship.

As for a recap, I spent most of the weekend with Alejandro, with some work mixed in here and there. We went to see Clash of the Titans in 3D on Friday with some friends of his and then went to his friend's birthday party on Saturday. Then on Sunday morning, I took him to breakfast before we said goodbye so I could get some more work done, which I did. I printed out the chapter and made some more corrections to it. I think it's pretty much ready to go, for the most part, and I do have to thank Alejandro for letting me get work done on it this weekend. He was very understanding about that, which is a rare find, because most people would be threatened or jealous by this.

So what is on for the rest of the week? In addition to resuming the workouts at a constant pace, I'm going to continue to prepare the chapters and work out the corrections on a day-by-day basis. It's all about continuing to re-invest in my body as I take out more energy. And this week is also the conference, which is actually happening. I never thought it would be possible, but even that is coming to pass. So I get ready for a highly stressful and intense week, but it is one that is going to allow me to reap some major rewards.

Oh, today is going to be one of those days, whereby my life is just going to suck. Haha, okay, it's not going to suck, but what it is going to do is change dramatically for the next few days. Right now I'm in the middle of preparations for a research panel to be held at the American Anthropological Association meetings. I'm really excited, but everything is due by Monday, and I have a gazillion things to handle with another conference at this point, not to mention my dissertation. I sure do need some relief here!

Yesterday's workout definitely helped, and I am going again today. The workouts really do wonders for my peace of mind and allow me to make cool, level-headed decisions. And boy do I have a lot of those to make this week, including which papers I would like to select for my panel, with no guarantee of it getting in. But alas, we shall see, as I find out in August.

And then Alejandro and I have dinner tonight with one of his friends. Not that I mind going out, because I don't, but it's just a crazy time. I'll let him know, but I also hate talking about my work with my boyfriend, even though I ask him about his. I don't like talking about it, I think, because I'm afraid he won't understand it. I'm just used to people not finding my work interesting. Indeed, academe is an important part of my life, having given so much to it. At the same time, I recognize it is important for me, but it doesn't have to be important to whoever I am with. I don't know, maybe that will change. For right now, Alejandro thinks it means I'm being mysterious. It's not so much that. It's just that there are some things that I prefer to keep quiet for now because I'm getting to know him better. Besides, we've only been dating for about a month and a half now, and we're still early in the relationship. And I have yet to see how things will turn out when I tell him about the job offer I just took as a postdoctoral fellow in southern California.

Above all, I think when I just get through this week with more writing, revising, and so on, I will be in a good place. Right now it's just a bit hectic, but things will work themselves out. I just need to go find peace of mind again.

Well LJ'ers, I return to the sanctuary of my thoughts. Alejandro and I are doing fine and there's nothing to new to really report. I am thankful for him being in my life because, if anything, he reminds me that I am only one person that is part of a broader picture. Moreover, in some ways, I'd say our time together actually saves me from my own self-destruction, which would surely be brought on by too much time thinking about my research and career.

As for what I am doing for the rest of the week, tomorrow is my hell day :-( I'm taking over a class for a colleague while he is out of town, and then I have to give a presentation on campus. I do have some wiggle room in between, so there will be time to rehearse as well as take a nap and meditate to clear my head. I just need to find a place to do it. More than likely it will be in my apartment. And then it'll be on to the big show. This has been a heavy year in regards to talks and presentations, but, at the same time, I have to keep my name circulating in the network as a producer of knowledge. All this time on the road will pay off when I get a contract for an academic, tenure-track job.

Also, my workout yesterday was also what I needed. I was getting too stressed out about everything happening around me (including commencement details that my mother is driving me up the wall about). I needed to just take a step back, breathe, and chill, and so the weights helped a lot. Now I feel like I'm ready to get back out there and finish the race. As for how successful I will be at it today? Not sure, but we'll see. The good thing is I am getting some new ideas for the dissertation, mainly how to work with one part of a transcript for Chapter Six, which has been giving me hell. I realized I only need to work with a part of it and frame its usage, rather than trying to discuss all of the things in the transcript that may or may not be relevant to the analysis. This has also given me a new idea for a teaching unit for one of my advanced classes: "How to Frame the Transcript within the Body of the Analysis." So that's one thing the gym helped out with. The other thing it helped me to see was the way I want the talk to go and how to work with the central example within it. So the gym, in many ways, brought some clarity to some muddled situations.

In short, everything will be alright. All I have to do is continue to believe that things will pay off. I've come too far to stop now.

So now it is completely exclusive! Alejandro and I decided to call what we have a definitive relationship. Actually, there's a funny story behind this. We were just laying around in bed on Saturday morning, talking about nothing I can remember. Suddenly, he goes, "So are you my boyfriend?" And I said, "Wow! I like that question!" And he goes, "Well, are you? It's a simple question." (In a joking way.) I told him I'd answer him after we had breakfast, and then he goes, "Okay." So we ate breakfast and just talked, and then as we were driving home he asked, "So are you going to answer my question?" I said, "Well, it is after breakfast, but I never said exactly when after breakfast." And he goes, "Ugh, you're so impossible" (in a joking way). So when I got home, I began to think about the ramifications of his question, from a linguistic anthropological perspective and how it is a process of "status-confirmation" within everyday life as we seek to build and rebuild our lifeworlds in culturally appropriate ways. (Needless to say, his question sparked a paper idea in me, 'So are you my boyfriend?' Status-confirmations as sequential and variable practices of identity work', haha.)

To make a long story short, I told Anton, my roommate, that I needed to do something to make the answer one he wouldn't forget. I didn't want to just say "Yes" but to say it in a unique, Brock-style way. So at first I thought a card, but then that would take too long, and I didn't want to do an E-card. Then I figured, go for a PowerPoint, where I re-narrate his asking of the question using the old high school genre for status confirmation: "Are you my X? Check yes or no" with photos and visuals, where it ends not just with a "Yes" from me but a "Hell yeah!" and a new picture of me with this big smile on my face. Needless to say, he loved it and asked how could he top that. I told him, just be you and that's all it takes.

So how does it feel? Well, it feels interesting having a boyfriend now. We're still in the early stages, but at the same time, I think if we just take it day by day, step by step and enjoy the moments we have, it should be fine.

In other news, dissertation work is going fine as I revamp Chapter Six and replace some sections with the data analysis. So far it is looking quite good and I look forward to doing more revisions today. And then there's the usual conference work, which seems to be going fine. I just gotta figure out all these things and somehow keep it together.

Well LJ'ers, I return to you all with a renewed sense of life, in the sense that things are coming to pass like I believed they would, although the path is a little different than what I planned. Today is going to be the hell day for me, but I will get through this. I've got one symposium (in the education department) and another engagement right afterward (a linguistic anthropology talk), so I must remain vigilant with my time. However, I can get through this if I remember it is a day that is meant for intellectual stimulation, more than anything else.

In a world that is determined to take peace of mind away from me, I stand here, holding on to whatever is left. It seems that my closest friends are all going through a bit of turmoil in their lives, and the assumption is mine is going great. On the other hand, I know why people would think that, because I often show myself as that way. Meanwhile, it doesn't mean I don't have problems too. I just know that I need to get up and fight, fight for what's mine in a world determined to take from me emotionally, mentally, and financially. But it is all going to be alright, and the seas will calm. They have no choice!

As I continue to wake up in crazy days, there is one place that is always calm: Alejandro's arms. We had lunch together yesterday at his apartment since Wednesdays is his telecommuting days, and he made one helluva chicken caesar salad. We then just talked and talked until his lunch break was over about anything. It's still hard for me to get used to the fact that I can tell him anything, including when this career gets too much for me. But still, it is refreshing that we can go to each other and be that special retreat away from the world and enjoy each other's company when things do get too rough. In short, Alejandro is a major blessing in my life right now and I am thankful that he came at the right time. If anything, he helps to keep me sane, and that is a skill in and of itself. He makes me remember that all things have their place and they will fall into their respective zones if I just believe.

As for what I accomplished yesterday, I managed to get all the sound files organized for transcribing Chapter Six's key examples today, which I will start doing once I have my cereal. I'm going to be doing this in my office today, so I know I need to get there by 8 AM if I want to have some good quiet time there to play back the audio files. Then it is on to fixing the issues in the larger transcript, which will be easier to do since I've already uploaded it. Then after that, tomorrow I will be in an optimal place to start really delving into the writing, even though I've got to be at a symposium for part of the day. Thus, yesterday was primarily prep work for today's hard work on the chapter. I also did some more work on my talk that I will be giving next week in another campus venue, and I'm really happy with the way the analysis is turning out. That said, it's just another day of onward and upward, without letting anything get me down. Above all else, keep moving and let nothing turn me around!

Sometimes I wonder just how much more of this I can take. As I sit here, on the eve of two conferences, I wonder if I really aimed too high. Maybe I should have just continued to finish my dissertation without taking on all this extra work, downsizing my commitments. Maybe I should have just thought selfishly and just not worried about trying to build something to last in the department. After all, the department has not really always been my friend when it comes to things. At the same time, the department and the people are also two separate things. The department has been a wonderful place for me to grow and develop, and it has afforded me many possibilities to meet other people who have assisted in that growth. It has been a place that has given me much intellectual stimulation and revived my love for the academic game even when I didn't think I had anymore love left to give.

In the meanwhile, the conference planning has also been a good way to remain productive as I continue to trek on with my dissertation. During this small time off, I'm actually slowly coming to terms with the way I want Chapter Six to look, which also has consequences for the way particular materials will be transcribed for it. It's not quite as bad as the work for the other chapters because it is built around one central example. That example has been transcribed already and so all I have to do is reformat that transcript, which I can do today in my office before I go see Alejandro for lunch. Also, I've analyzed this piece of data before, but now I am adding to it in order to reflect the new argument I would like to make on the role of performance and sociolinguistic variation. And then it is back to revising the earlier parts of the dissertation that I have received feedback on.

The reason I'm also a little stressed, I think, is because the conference took another turn yesterday on two fronts. We're soon to receive another donation from the university to help offset costs (a modest contribution but quite symbolic, indeed) and we also are petitioning for more funds to make it more disability-accessible for one of our participants who is Deaf. So what is the lesson learned here? I'm learning how to write funding requests, in a diplomatic style, for people with special needs, which is something I will have to learn how to do more and more of as I continue to go through this career. I've got one of my co-organizers working on the draft of the request, which I will review and then we will send it on to the university to see if we can get more money. I do believe things will work out on this front if we keep our heads up. At the end of the day, I am happy that we were able to even do this conference in the first place. It goes to show that marginalization can fuel quite productive things.

Sometimes I wonder if I can really do all this, but if people have faith in me that I can, and I have faith in myself, then I know it is possible. I just have to tell myself that this is just a hell week, but I can go through the fire and come out like gold. All I have to do is tell myself that I am worthy of success if I work hard for it, and all will be fine.

In other non-academic news, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I am in a relationship with Alejandro now. (As we decided a few days ago, we're going to be exclusive.) It's still a bit early, and I'm still learning about who I am when I am in the state. But you know, it feels good to have someone who wants to see me (and not for academic reasons). It is definitely a relief, and something that gives me strength even when I feel that I may be not good enough to other people in the academic world. It shows that there are other ways of being worth something to other people besides the research I do.

Well, the time has come once again for another week to begin, although I work all the time so I'm never really sure when the weeks end or begin. I swear, if someone were to take a look at the hours I work and count them up, they'd be surprised at how much it is for so little pay. One of those things I guess. As for how do I feel this morning? Of course, there is the usual concern as the week begins, even though things are still looking bright. Still, there's just so much uncertainty in the course of one day. However, I've come to see uncertainty is my friend, for it is best to be uncertain about good things, rather than to be certain about bad things.

The conference is definitely picking up, as I opened general registration for it last night. I might add that I was a few hours ahead of schedule with that because it wasn't originally supposed to open until this morning. A good number of my presenters have registered, as well as some new people who I didn't expect. I've also sent out information for the data workshop presenters to better prepare their materials for effective feedback on their research. I'm also going to order the special name tag badges for the conference (you know, the nice plastic ones). Nothing says official like the badges of the conference, especially since it's two days. I thought about the stick-ons, but for a two-day one, you really need the nice badges.

As for what else is happening? Alejandro and I are doing fine. Yesterday we didn't get to see each other because he had to go to a birthday party for his friends' son and then an Oscar party. It was good because I used that time to get some work done on the conference. It wasn't a complete Alejandro-free zone because we continued texting throughout the day. So that part is going very very well. I'm seeing him tonight for a "Teen Witch" date.

I'm also speaking today on a panel for the new prospective students in the department. I'd been conflicted on that for quite some time, as I didn't know if what I had to say would be relevant to them. I came into the department as a graduate student almost six years ago (wow, it really has been that long!) and it's changed a lot since I'd been here, especially where linguistic anthropology is concerned. Many of those changes have been for the better. Moreover, in many ways, I represent linguistic anthropology on the panel at its most mature stage, since I was here when it was still virtually growing. I grew from us having a twice-per-year workshop to a semester series of lectures, data groups, classes, and now a conference. And so in many ways, the growth of the field here has also been embodied through me, as I have cried and been overjoyed at what we've been able to accomplish here. So I guess in many ways I am a living testimony to what can happen if you learn to work with others to transform this place into what you need it to be for your own professional and even personal development.

How's the dissertation going? Well, the dissertation came to a bit of a halt this past two days, as I finished one chapter on Friday. However, I have been doing a bit of pre-reading for entering into Chapter Six, in which analysis on that data begins tomorrow. I keep telling myself it's not a full re-analysis because I've done much of that already. So then this tells me what today's plan needs to be--go through and outline the paper on which this is based, so that I can figure out what of it I can use. That's the best thing about this chapter--that it was technically written years ago and now I am adapting parts of it to reflect my new thinking on the role of cultural performances. And so now I come to the final new chapter, which, in many way, is good.

So am I ahead? Well, sure, but I just don't feel ahead. I guess it's one of those things, but you know, I gotta keep at it. The only sure-fire way to fail is to not do anything else, and I just can't let that happen.

This morning I am, indeed, more energized and ready to take on the world, starting with my dissertation. The linguistic anthropology conference is relatively under control for now, although I am still searching for someone to design the logo for it. I've got about a month to make this happen, so I'm going to try one last effort in searching for a student in the art department who is looking for a free gig. If not, I've already got one local artist who is willing to help out, as I worked with him for a conference I organized last year. I'm just hoping we can afford his pro-rates.

This new feeling is coming off what happened yesterday, when the wheels went to a grinding halt. I expected this would happen, even though I still got some work done. I realized I needed to also give my body a week off from the gym as well, to focus on all this work and just get it done. I figured, with three major events happening, it's easier just to get this chapter in the can and get ready for next week at the gym with a lot more intensity. To recover the mind, I spent most of the day watching The Tudors (Season 1). [I actually have a thing for shows about young people who are suddenly pushed into positions of power and the difficulties of having to lead while growing up. This is also why I enjoyed Smallville.] I didn't see Alejandro yesterday, but we talked. We're going out tonight to catch a movie, so I'm going to see it as my reward for working so hard to get this chapter out to the committee.

In many ways, this whole month is going to be quite intense because it is my last month that I can actually write. The entire month of April will be full of revisions. However, I know I can take it and make it. I've done it all before and I can do it all again. All it takes is a little perseverance, healthier meals, a regular sleeping schedule, and burying myself in zones away from people with moderate contact with the outside world. Can I accomplish it? Of course!

Today's motto: don't stop till you get enough (in the words of Michael Jackson).